Tomorrow may never come. The only time you can be sure of, is NOW.

For the first time in the last 7 years of my blogging history... this was the first year, where the new year's eve -come-new year's day post was never made.

I thought I would save it for the 14th of April then... but as almost always, ink-to-paper needs to happen when there is some big turning point in my life.
[and if there was a mapped trail of every path I took and every turn I chose, I think I've been through two ends of the spectrum and made a couple of circles.. ]

Many inspiring things have occurred in the last six to seven months. Quite a few, that had been life changing... everyone close to me noticed the new sense of serenity I have around them, the mellow breaths I take to the quieter  demeanour  that has become part of me. To be honest, I don't feel so, but I'm definitely at more peace with almost everything around me, even "tragedies and disasters" within or outside my circle

since whatever happened two Septembers ago,  I turned horribly edgy, having hurt a whole list of people in my life. Some knowingly, and many otherwise.
The responsibility only falls on me, I swear, because things happen, and it should had been my role to handled them better. Perhaps not everything.

From two  Septembers ago,  the truest people to me were revealed for this current chapter in life.
yes , I lost my best friend of nine years along the way... but ya, I kinda had to come to acceptance that she was quite a b*#@% herself for all that she did in her conscious mind . We talk maybe... but, ya, as forgiving as I can be, I never really forget some things.


I kept the friends who are really just that :)  and finally opened my eyes to the fact that family is everything, and they will stick by you no matter what... especially my amma & achan ... and my incredible little brother....ok ok ... my slightly (understatement) blunt older brothers.  their better halves were like sisters to me throughout too. [no, they weren't buttering me up, cause , they failed that long long ago when they were put to the "test"  :p ]

my oldest girl friends, stood by me no matter what.
my closest guy friends, initially tried masking the pain away, but like everyone else, there came a point that some amount of bluntness was needed to snap me out of how I was really feeling.

Life went on. it always does. it just goes on and on and on... however strong or tough, one could be.... there will be a point that you have to just step out of that suffocating box and start again. I learnt to move on really really fast then on. From anything really! May it be another love, or another best friend-like-sister or even a family member's passing... I am just determined to close that chapter, let it be, and go on with my bigger dreams in life...


Along the way, in the last 18 months or so, I recognised love again, in two different faces. :)

well, ya... they didn't work out, reasons aside, probably for the better. Maybe I caused them to breath an air of sadness when I was too close to them... perhaps not.
Whatever it was, they made me a better person in many ways others never actually could. Reaching out to me the way you both did, I will never forget. Thank you, for staying resilient, despite having to had known me during the worst phase of my life.
for that I will always root for them whenever I can, for they were always good friends to start with.

[right now, both of you are so happy in your own separate ways, it only brings smiles and joy to me...I pray it will always go smooth for each of you :]


so when all my darkest fears were drowning me  at the same time, I somehow swam out of it, breathing again. There is just too much out there in life that I am not willing to miss out on .

If it was the old me , I would had taken nearly 4 years to move on from one thing to another.

I am still the same "dapinkgurl" who writes nonsense and does crazy random stuff in life, with some degree of sensibility ... but, perhaps a little more grown up. :D
ya that took sometime, didn't it ? :p

I'm back to writing my own songs these days :)
Busy making kids smile in the wards.[some occasional cry inducing events do occur! ]
Running for 10 km in an hour again [yay to my knees]
Trolling away with my friends on the funniest games
Nerding my brains away whenever I get the chance :p ``
Laughing endlessly to the lamest jokes around
Cracking some of my own too [and hearing crickets all around me haha ]

There are no expectations but that of mine

It is nice to have this freedom again and just be me. 

[I'm really too lazy to edit the html for this post... so here we end it as it is ]

LIVE love LIFE

again and again and again...
Till the end of time.
For every story has a beginning, a middle, an end.
And some things just happen all the time. 

“The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.
6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.
8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

the RIGHT one , the WRONG time

The greatest irony of love: 

 ''Loving the right person at the wrong time or having the wrong person when the time is right? '' 

0r is it worse, finding out you love someone after that person walks out of your life? 

then there is a whole list of heartbreaks and so called "love failures", relationships, sometimes even marriages that don't work out for the most bizzare and "un-understandable"  reasons.....

for more irony ,  some think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person {that perhaps if that love returns eventually, it was meant to be...}

and then, there's some, afraid to see the one they love, is actually being held by someone else. 

Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love, but because love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much, and the other was being loved too little. 
Something, quite a number of people end up learning the hard way. A very very tough way ..

     Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them we are just for past times. While the one who truly loves us remains either your friend or just a stranger.
     When some think of their past love; they may had viewed it as a failure; but when they find a new love, that so called failure becomes some sort of lesson, more of a teacher... 
Saying "some" is an understatement, for its many of us who fall into the whirlpool of love and life, who eventually realise the above. 

Is it right for someone to name it a game of love?  for it doesn't really matter who won or who lost... What's important is that you know when to hold on and when to let go. 
Yesterday, one of my best friends asked, how does it feel to be truly in love. At that instant, I realised, not much thought was actually given to that. 
I guess, you know that you love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you're not apart of it. Even if it means, sometimes, that their happiness is of much greater importance of your own. 

Everything happens for a reason and for its best. 

If the person you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try. You'll never truly love a person, unless you risk for their love; love strives in hurting. 

If you don't get hurt, then you won't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt all the time; though the hurting is there to test you, to help you grow. 

then, on another note, don't rush it all...

Don't go looking for love. Don't find love, let love find you; -- that's why it's called falling in love[DUH!] 
 because we don't need to force ourself to love, we just fall.

   but [yes, my favourite word...IN EVERY POST! hehe ] -- You cannot finish a book without closing the chapters. If you want to move on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress.

   but why is it that the greatest irony of love is letting go when you want to hold on,      and holding on when you need to let go? You can never find the right person if you can never let it go of the wrong, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go, you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve. 

To love is to risk rejection, 

 to live is to risk dying 

 and

to hope is to risk failure.

 The past though, a tough teacher, taught me one thing -- don't risk it all. Don't throw it all away, don't sacrifice your all. Love yourself as much as you could love another too.  but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all. 


To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self. To love is to risk not being loved in return.

 My point of view, defining love, is quite unreal, probably it's just a hypothesis, probably an imagination, but for some, including myself, it is that intangible "thinga-magica", that happens! 

 so in life :

 Fall but do not stumble. 

Be constant but not too persistent. 

Share and never be unfair. 

Understand and try not to demand.

Hurt but never keep the pain. 

 Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. 

Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.

Love can be a painful risk. To love means that risk must be taken, no matter how scary or painful, for only then will you experience the fullness of humanity of what we call love.

 If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk and if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love. 

 ~live~life~love~

 so let's fall in love...

Left in the Dark

what did i ever not do enough for you ?i still play this song in my sleep and its cause i mean it. I meant it everytime i said i love you. i gave up many things for you, knowingly and with pure intentions. never was i ever fake to you. even at times of anger and when i couldnt control my temper... i regreted them!
i regretted them, hence i hurt myself for it.
someday, you will realise, that's why I'm letting you go . letting you off my mind as much as i can, so you will find your peace some how.
im sorry , if you were fed with lies and manipulation by all the other people...
i will stay true to myself, and I know what is right or wrong. and I know who you are and what you are not. With my confidence and trust in you that lines my heart, I know what is the best to do , not for just myself, but for both of us.
Loving someone, is also loving them for their worst and most horrid sides...
i accepted and embraced yours... maybe you are just not that grown up to take mine.
I hope some day ... may it be me, or anyone else... you will learn to love unconditionally.
so unconditional, that you won't be sorry for loving them...that you will never run from them... that you will stand by her side, no matter what... and a million people can hate you for loving her, but you still would, with all your heart and even more....
that's true love.
i have felt it . experienced it... hope you get the golden chance to , when it happens too...
Despite all the hurt anyone could had gone thru from what has happened... guess what, I'm barely in pain. I kept wondering why .
i tried finding reasons... but this is what i found :

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” Mother Teresa

[=
[ i gotta thank you, for letting me experience such a wonderful feeling! [ironically it is ]
if you want to hate me, go ahead
if you want to forget me, try
if you never ever want to hear or see me again, please tell me...
they are all your will and your choices....
i feel incredibly free now ! doing all of my hearts desire. spending the best and the most of time with dozens of people who have waited and loved me from a far for years.
cuci mata also here and there... hehe
we grew up too fast!
cause, i still think of you every time i get up from sleep, and every night, i still spend 15 mins or so reminiscing about you. its as if you died , but i very well know you're just some hundred miles away.
i want to keep all these memories...
cause who knows, in some future to come, our paths will cross...
we only have one soul mate each... and i will tell you confidently , we are each other's... maybe we were really good in a past life. or maybe we are meant to be in the heavens together someday... or maybe its all just not meant to be , for now only....
the future is for us to pave.
i miss you everyday, i dont care if that will boost your ego, or scare you away, but that's how i feel, and i have to let you know.
good luck always...
you will always be in my prayers and my thoughts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=lrF814OnFQ4&NR=1

Du ba du Be dubiety..

Darn! its been ages since the last post was up . Sadly , this is going to be short and pretty uncertain, as its obvious with the heading already.

I think its all back to square one... where this little blog page is going to be my very dear friend again.

to start it off.. remember Joseph Vincent from my previous posts, AGES ago... ?!?
well, he is climbing up the indie youtube one man band scene already! :)

Maroon 5 , my most favourite band is coming to perform, with tickets priced sky rocketing high, and I have no proper company to follow either.

Easter break is next week though ... lets see what that brings in ...


Here you go ,
HoorahJencer aka Joseph Vincent!

Baby, the song goes out to you , btw..

This one's for you.....

It is October already, and the worlds biggest exam for me now, is so close that if i just strech my little finger, poof.... its here!

I kind of realise that not many people actually read my "shadowz and rainbowz", but nevermind, I feel good for just spilling some things here.

Not a single comment since i started this blog(sholud have stuck to my old one).

but, let me dedicate this one, one that is slightly more special than the others, to my love.


for he will always truly and deeply remain in my heart.....
in my dreams....whoever...wherever ...you arrreee
to my dearest man from the heavens above
Well this is my first public address to you. I woke up yesterday to the song "truly, madly,deeply"....and dazzed of at 12pm after a very very long day to my ever favourite song "everything".
Did my E.Lit studying with "only hope" and darling,
you certainly drve me "high".

Dear, how nice if i could say , they were and still are our songs!?!!?
Being so far away from you has surely made my heart stronger, but made every other part of me limbs weaker? Everyday, I miss you even more. And I do wonder, if it will ever be us again, although "us" said it will , once you are done accomplishing your dreams. Were I not part of it? If you ever stumble upon this, and realise how much you really mean to me, and my every dreams, please let me know if I still mean that much to you.


I am not sure how much you need me already!

So dearest angel, above all the best things that have ever happened to me, and always under all the drudgery I've been through,you've surely been one of the drives in me that keep me going, I'm here always.



dreaming away as evening star...........

Guilt, Regret, Acceptance, and cupid's arrow hits again!

2nd June 2006

Well here I go, my first blog here ...
Not sure whether I'm glad or sad to write this one, but guess it would be best to get it off my soul.
It has been exactly a year since the last time he said, "I"ll always be by your side, no matter what."
What a lie.

June 3rd 2006
Yes I remember that day, blurred out of my mind,but not wanting it to be out, a week after his dreams shattered and my love lost.

I will not deny that he was the "guy" that one would like....
But was it not me who wanted to end it, wanted to lose what ever it might have been.

I think I can never forget the tears that filled his eyes when I said its best that we were just friends. Honestly, I never knew a guy like him will take it that seriously.

I was busy with a major charitable project and I had not enough time for him, what more for myself.

I could hear the frustration in his voice during those long conversations almost every alternating nights. Those short rhymes he would make up and send me via text.

Why should I make him wait one day i thought!?

If he can be there for me , and I can't , where on earth is this relationship going to.

GUILT....
He would not eat, he was sloping in his studies, the biggest exam for him in any of our high school lives was nearing.
He was a year older than me, less wiser than me ,[ I always some how thought.]--vain me

And I was simply enjoying my sweet 16, while he was living in one of life's most bitter moments.

I was happily enjoying my life away, doing my stuffs, and somethings I would never forget and just wished I'd never done them. It hurt him, and I hurt my own feelings through it.

He was beginning to feel lonely .

I REGRET for not being there for him during those hard moments in life where his friends bailed out, although it was not at all his fault.

3rd June 06,
I cried by the phone after our 2 hour long call ended. I saw his number and really didn't want to answer. Then I said to myself, keep it short, and just be normal with him.

His sweet words ,I won't forget.
How deceived I was.


JUST A WEEK later,

HE was hooked up with another girl, a person he despised throughout his teenage years. She had cause many problems yet he was LOVING her.

I will not deny that the aura of love did surround us too, but , this new relationship of his....you may say I was jealous, maybe I was a little green, but I still cared, you know.

I didn't make any contact for months with him.

His actions cut deep into my heart. many noticed.i gnored and pretanded as if I didn't care.


We did say that we would remain close friends, he was a good friend, I would say,
but she had her finger wrapped around him.
I did call him once or twice to wish him luck in his exams and all, but they weren't long.
And I had some sort of longing for something.


I WAS NOT OVER HIM YET.....................and he was...........although it was me who ended it.
I thought I could never get over him....
bumped into him a few times, and my heart would just start beating faster , like how it used to the first time I met him

My friends were there for me always, they some how tried putting these pictures of him being such a bad ex in my head, but it didn't work, guys.... Everyone tells me I should forget about him, he don't deserve me. They're right, he didn't deserve me, but I deserved him.

Then one night somewhere in December, I just gave him a ring.
I was watching GREY"S ANATOMY then, it was the episode where Meridith and Derek was in the lift together. Where he was ignoring her.

And then, i wanted to say something to him, longing so badly to .....

my heart yearning to............

at that instant, on TV MERIDITH: I miss you.... she says to Derek.

and I lose my grip on the phone........i start sobbing , again,

The line goes dead. He doesn't even bother to call back.
I couldn't stand it.
After a few hours of reflecting on what happened, I call my best friend, thank God he was home.

And I will never forget those words he said, and hope and pray every girl will have some realisation on it.

"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult
Life goes on." he said....with a long pause and a sigh....

"it is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is....Don't blame yourself for being the one to let him go first. It was destined so, if you didn't would you have known that he was such an arse to just be off so fast.... you might have loved him. but he lusted you.....you made the right choice....yourself knows you best, don't regret, don't feel unloved....cause there are many of us still by you loving you and caring for you....ACCEPTENCE is a big step to START something new and fix mistakes before....A lesson well learnt....keep that in mind

I'm not a person who falls in and out quickly in love, I learnt.



But how much about love do I really know. A wise man once said..... love is so pure and true, to really know it, its a reward by itself, but when you will know it, you will know its meant to be and there to stay....have hope...........A great lesson.

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are "It might have been" one might say, but,

think again....

what should have been then?

LIFE"S full of chances and risks....take them carefully, may it be love, your job or even deciding to end something.....its in our hands....and you know what is best for you...
but let me leave this burden here....and never look back, because I have moved on for sometime and found new HOPE in new eyes................maybe ... a brighter path....

Funny isn't it, how one can be strong if one really wants to.
Just 2 days ago I bumped into him....we smiled at each other... and my heart was beating at a normal rate of 78 i guess...
haha

I've let him go. . . and cupids arrow has hit me again.True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending. K. Knight