Saturday, 2 June 2007

Guilt, Regret, Acceptance, and cupid's arrow hits again!

2nd June 2006

Well here I go, my first blog here ...
Not sure whether I'm glad or sad to write this one, but guess it would be best to get it off my soul.
It has been exactly a year since the last time he said, "I"ll always be by your side, no matter what."
What a lie.

June 3rd 2006
Yes I remember that day, blurred out of my mind,but not wanting it to be out, a week after his dreams shattered and my love lost.

I will not deny that he was the "guy" that one would like....
But was it not me who wanted to end it, wanted to lose what ever it might have been.

I think I can never forget the tears that filled his eyes when I said its best that we were just friends. Honestly, I never knew a guy like him will take it that seriously.

I was busy with a major charitable project and I had not enough time for him, what more for myself.

I could hear the frustration in his voice during those long conversations almost every alternating nights. Those short rhymes he would make up and send me via text.

Why should I make him wait one day i thought!?

If he can be there for me , and I can't , where on earth is this relationship going to.

GUILT....
He would not eat, he was sloping in his studies, the biggest exam for him in any of our high school lives was nearing.
He was a year older than me, less wiser than me ,[ I always some how thought.]--vain me

And I was simply enjoying my sweet 16, while he was living in one of life's most bitter moments.

I was happily enjoying my life away, doing my stuffs, and somethings I would never forget and just wished I'd never done them. It hurt him, and I hurt my own feelings through it.

He was beginning to feel lonely .

I REGRET for not being there for him during those hard moments in life where his friends bailed out, although it was not at all his fault.

3rd June 06,
I cried by the phone after our 2 hour long call ended. I saw his number and really didn't want to answer. Then I said to myself, keep it short, and just be normal with him.

His sweet words ,I won't forget.
How deceived I was.


JUST A WEEK later,

HE was hooked up with another girl, a person he despised throughout his teenage years. She had cause many problems yet he was LOVING her.

I will not deny that the aura of love did surround us too, but , this new relationship of his....you may say I was jealous, maybe I was a little green, but I still cared, you know.

I didn't make any contact for months with him.

His actions cut deep into my heart. many noticed.i gnored and pretanded as if I didn't care.


We did say that we would remain close friends, he was a good friend, I would say,
but she had her finger wrapped around him.
I did call him once or twice to wish him luck in his exams and all, but they weren't long.
And I had some sort of longing for something.


I WAS NOT OVER HIM YET.....................and he was...........although it was me who ended it.
I thought I could never get over him....
bumped into him a few times, and my heart would just start beating faster , like how it used to the first time I met him

My friends were there for me always, they some how tried putting these pictures of him being such a bad ex in my head, but it didn't work, guys....
Everyone tells me I should forget about him, he don't deserve me. They're right, he didn't deserve me, but I deserved him.

Then one night somewhere in December, I just gave him a ring.
I was watching GREY"S ANATOMY then, it was the episode where Meridith and Derek was in the lift together. Where he was ignoring her.

And then, i wanted to say something to him, longing so badly to .....

my heart yearning to............

at that instant, on TV MERIDITH: I miss you.... she says to Derek.

and I lose my grip on the phone........i start sobbing , again,

The line goes dead. He doesn't even bother to call back.
I couldn't stand it.
After a few hours of reflecting on what happened, I call my best friend, thank God he was home.

And I will never forget those words he said, and hope and pray every girl will have some realisation on it.

"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult
Life goes on." he said....with a long pause and a sigh....

"
it is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is....Don't blame yourself for being the one to let him go first. It was destined so, if you didn't would you have known that he was such an arse to just be off so fast.... you might have loved him. but he lusted you.....you made the right choice....yourself knows you best, don't regret, don't feel unloved....cause there are many of us still by you loving you and caring for you....ACCEPTENCE is a big step to START something new and fix mistakes before....A lesson well learnt....keep that in mind

I'm not a person who falls in and out quickly in love, I learnt.



But how much about love do I really know. A wise man once said..... love is so pure and true, to really know it, its a reward by itself, but when you will know it, you will know its meant to be and there to stay....have hope...........
A great lesson.

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are "It might have been" one might say, but,

think again....

what should have been then?

LIFE"S full of chances and risks....take them carefully, may it be love, your job or even deciding to end something.....its in our hands....and you know what is best for you...
but let me leave this burden here....and never look back, because I have moved on for sometime and found new HOPE in new eyes................maybe ... a brighter path....

Funny isn't it, how one can be strong if one really wants to.
Just 2 days ago I bumped into him....we smiled at each other... and my heart was beating at a normal rate of 78 i guess...
haha


I've let him go. . . and cupids arrow has hit me again.True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending. K. Knight

1 comment:

balakavitha aka pinklover said...
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