Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Which tunnel? The one behind, the one with the silver door, the one with golden gates or the calestial,star-decored arched entry????

"Never underestimate what you are about to do or what you are to face."

That is something that has slowly slipped off my mind lately.
Second day of Upper Six Mid Year exams was today. AND IT WAS A BOMB!First time have I ever equated it to such a term, no, a bomb is quite an understatement, it was like "little boy" that hit Hiroshima. CHEMISTRY--my favourite subject, I thought I would make a career out of it too.
Maybe I have to admit , I didn't really prepare well for it--for STPM standards that is :' (

My head aches terribly, too(for quite a number of days already--not the normal migraine or sinusitis throbbing) and I really shouldn't be staring at my desktop's screen and writing all this. Haha,what the heck with do's and don't s for today.

About a week ago, I had finally decided to pursue the "path much taken" --- MEDiCINE!
The old ambition. The old dream. The days of taking my mum's stethoscope and playing with my dad's stilt lamp.Its amusing to look at my "younger" self that always wanted to become a doctor. For a person who practically grew up in hospitals and clinics, baby sat by nurses,it is not queer to see such an outcome as a desire for a future.

There was even a time, I think I was 12, that I told the whole world " I want to be a pediatric ophthalmologist!"
So naive of me....because, nowadays I look at people who are overly ambitious in becoming neurosurgeons and physicians, and I tell myself ---Go get your MD or MBBS first!

Then, something turned it all around.... I was 15 and I got my hands on Dan Brown's Angels and Demons(i have a bad feeling the movie will not be as good as the book...), and "ta-dah", a sudden inspiration in becoming a phycisist. And all I saw myself was accelerating particles to almost light speeds....changing the world.

Hey, it was not just an impulse though. I had researched it well, contacted renowned scientists and this forum really helped The people there were really kind and gave really good advise. Made many good friends too.

So, I had or maybe still have a dream, a dream to create the "greenest" , renewable, free, abundant energy.... haha, sounds more ideal than any sci fi fiction.... but imagine, if we have this free, green gigantic amount of energy , will it not solve most of the world's problems....

Then, "earthly worlds" came into the picture too.. from a very young age, I was always fascinated by the stars and the cosmic.... so I had another fork on the road, if its physics till phD.... where to? material sciences? astrophysics? molecular physics????!
but...{yea, my favourite word -_- }the question was still:
~Phycisist or

the confusion has been going on since Form 4. Thank God I made up my mind in what Pre u programme I should do way before its due time of decision(STPM aka HSC Malaysia it became).

But I'm still at the biggest junction of my life:
-PHYSICS Major->Phd

And last Tuesday, I told everyone , it am to save lives...
I initially implied Medicine as my career to be... but then again... I'm having my millionth thought on it now!

Creating free energy and minimising energy loss or maybe even creating machines to travel in the speed of ligt could answer a lot of questions in humanity...and eventually save lives???

Watched History Channel's Universe series yesterday.... haha...Physics and I are like two old lovers "unattended" yet unforgettable to each other, where your heart just thrives for it again (wei, not like I know how that really feels....)
I was really thrilled watching that episode, on light as the speed limit to the universe {being exhausted from PA 2 paper and MATHS T paper 2 ,I knock off towards the last quarter of the show}

And once again, Physics as part of my future was back into the question. Sigh.{NOT AGAIN!!!!!}

I seriously do not know whether I should leave the rest of my life to a flip or a coin(heads for physics and tails for medcine)
but then there is this strong belief I have that follow your heart even when it is against all odds... and like wat Confucius once said :
"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Both are fields slightly in parallel , and both are something I really want to do.
Unfortunately, it is not like a double degree of Maths and physics or music and physics or even law and physics[all possible prospects of what I want and "can" be]... becoming a doctor is like doing 3 degrees at once, that much of commitment and hard work, it can't involve the rest of science as it has too much of it already.
The only reason I disregarded in becoming a researcher/lecturer/professor in physics was because, I could not really picture myself only sitting in a lab, sipping coffee while marking papers or collecting the data from computers and super machines as a life routine...

My peers, family and friends and "comrades" certainly know I am not the kind that stands still!...
Where is my heart telling me to go?

Perhaps someday, I'll treat you for ailment(hopefully not a chronic one or never need to treat u at all) . or
maybe, one day your grandchild will read of my discovery and curse me for coming up with such a theory and all those twisting forumalae.
But I will never know till then.

"All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit of experience. "
~ Henry Miller~

Monday, 11 May 2009

The Flu

I'm not the average blog to write a journal type... honestly, sometimes I find a total waste of time and effort(seemingly, very few people actually read all of it).
I'm sitting here, staring bankly at the speakers of the PC , stupidly expecting a favourite song of mine to play at random.
Exams are on next week, and well, I AM BLOGGING!!!!!
Yikes... its mainly because I have come up with this terrible allergy reaction and am barely able to do anything else(very unlike my usual reactions)
It is cold yet it is terribly hot... guess I have fallen sick after sooooo long .

That then reminds me, I still have my unwritten speech for the World Young Women's Forum.... ARGH!
more frustrations right?
I started of quarter of the speech but there is just too much to write for a 6 minute speech.
Darn !

Other than my dear oral trainer at school, well, there is not much support otherwise.

Talking about best friend is "uncomfortable" with us texting almost daily... OI! we have been doing it for almost forever!!?! It is not my fault he hasn't been studying nor is he even near being prepared for his exams. I lost track of the countless number of times that I have actually nagged him on and on about him studying and that don't procrastinate and all that crap.
Yea, crap...
because, to tell you the truth ... procrastinating has become quite a part of my life lately as well....

Frustrations, well, they have always been there, and I am proud to tell you that I do keep my distance from it. It happens to be a bad friend... and I don't like keeping bad friends ;)

Haha... talking about bad friends.... my dear closiez and so called BFFS..... where on earth are you all?
Let me be frank, I am tired of being the first one to call or email or even find out if you all are down.... Surprisingly it is , I'm at home in the place we all grew up and there is no courtesey of any sort for you to let me know?!?!
I have given up... if you want to maintain a friendship, please do it so as well... it works two ways you know... everything does..
Its too exhausting for only one person to keep tabs at all times. Despite the fact that I may be a little busy when you are back, well, i will and so would any one else, appreciate a short call or a sweet message from you,or maybe a surprise drop by at my place.Its courteousy !

And, finally to courteousy.... like what I mentioned on the first of this year... what on earth is people with impersonal messages in wishing for a special occasion or so. Yesterday was Mother's day... If you want to wish a mother, call them larr! Or send a kind,sweet , NON FORWARDING NON SEND-TO-MANY text message. Must mobile phones and tele-communication ethiques become something thought in the school too!?!?!?!

Anyway, I don't believe in the 2nd Sundays of May being mother's day... its meant to be everyday... I think its plainly another commercial event for Memory Lane and giant corps to rander money out of our gradually shrinking pockets!
(I rather make my o0wn gifts and me stingy or anything, but my loved ones who get it , actually love it!)

So in the end, our actions are shown from what is in our hearts...

[i'm wheezing already now... off to sleep again i guess... and its not even 8 pm]

These words I've put into digital ones and zeroes, may just be the flu speaking(an effective excuse eh?)
or probably something that has been too long buried at the bottom of my heart and mind....

More words soon( forseeing a few more frustrations) ;)

Hey, don't go thinking that I am a sadist type or just emo, I'll post any exciting, interesting and HAPPY goss or stories and experiences ASAP!

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Simple Together

a piece that I found really meaningful and I think Alanis has really put in deep emotions into the simplest of words.
Thank you, Alanis Morissette.

Simple Together

D A D (A)
You've been my golden best friend
D A G (A)
Now with post-demise at hand

Can't go to you for consolation

`Cause we're off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
D Bm A
And I can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together

I thought we'd be happy together

Thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

D A D (A)
You've been my soulmate and then some
D A G (A)
I remembered you the moment I met you

With you I knew god's face was handsome

With you I suffered an expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
D Bm A
And I can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together

Thought we'd be evolving together

I thought we'd have children together

I thought we'd be family together

But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared

If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented

If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air

My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together

I thought we'd be healing together

I thought we'd be growing together

Thought we'd be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

Thought we'd be exploring together

Thought we'd be inspired together

I thought we'd be flying together

Thought we'd be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

Monday, 4 May 2009

Not Knowing Me

This is a story of a girl who enjoys getting herself into challenges, boggle her mind and impart risks as her middle name.
It has been five years since she first felt this way.
And three years since it had made her little heart ache.

In continuation to my previous blog(the undone one), I have found this very meaningful poem by an anonymous person.
It makes a lot of sense, and its to those who think they actually know the meaning of it, well, darn, think again!

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the
greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

From you I have learned; i have known how painful failure can really be.At least in the end of the day, I can always tell myself that I somewhat tried to make it better. Some what tried to make it happen, despite for the number of weeks that I felt as if the world was about to come to an end. Or the fact that before this, there was once I thought I had every splendour at the tips of my fingers. You made me realise, something that I had for a long time forgotten, that you can't always get what you want. And that makes you appreciate for all the wonderful things in life.

I spilled my deepest thoughts to you. Shared my philosophies in life , presented my best ... but I realised I actually stopped trying to impress you anymore. I've been absolutely myself around you. Perhaps , we remain best of pals for now.

Live to the utmost best for all the challenges we are to face. I'll be here for you, always,as I know you to will be around to catch me if I fall. This relationship we have, has its own uniqueness that only you and I will ever understand.
Thank you for being there for me .

No, it doesn't end here, I have one tiny doubt that haunts me in my sleep.It is that if you really need me ? And do you actually know the face of this girl you call your best friend.... We have our own secrets, the fewest that we have not shared. And the stories you have told me , the pain you have shared with me, and the encouragement I have always tried my best to give to you.... Do you not sense that most of the time, I feel like you do not really appreciate it....and there are times, when a cloud of emotion hits me, revealing that perhaps you do not really know me.

I take risks, my dearest friend, I have always...
Taken the roughest roads and made the most difficult choices.
Climbed many mountains and swam across seas.
Most of the time, they were my choices...solely mine,
and I did very frequently choose the path that was less travelled. But for you to have said those words the other day, I thought to myself , "Does he really understand me the best?".... I missed that old friend I had in you, who gave it all, didn't mind its consequences and actually had a great time together.

Once again, I make a choice,instead of the one that many people would make to look for another. I choose to take the one that was grassy and wanted wear.

Therefore, im really free.
Irony is all part of life.